Advance Wars: Dark Cows Attack!
by branin
Summary: Sturm's return, along with an invasion of cows, leaves the top COs of Wars World in silence. Sturm has a secret...
1. Chapter 1 : The Beginning

Here's the story about how cows took over Wars World. I do not own Advance Wars (anymore).

One bright sunny day, Sturm (back from the dead (Hawke has no idea that his Super Power really sucks when you have an Action Replay)) decides he hasn't caused enough damage. He sends out the followers of Black Hole who are still faithful to him after Hawke tried to take over. "Come, fellow retards! We will try to take over Wars World yet again and hopelessly fail yet again!"

In Orange Star, Andy is fixing something (probably the toilet) while Max sits working out. Nell and Sami are playing poker.

"Why do I keep losing," Sami whines. Nell just smiles and whispers something about luck. A knocking sound disturbs everyone. Kanbei walks in, followed by Eagle and Grit.

"We have some bad news," Grit says in his country singing accent. Nell arches an eyebrow. "A massive onrush of cows has invaded." Max snorts in the background.

"Why is that bad news? The bacon diet we've been eating around here is getting old," Sami says.

"The cows are coming from Sturm's world." This silences everyone in the room. Andy walks in and sees everyone.  
"PARTY!!!!" Everyone stares at him. "What, no party?" They slowly shake their heads. He looks downcast and returns to fixing the toilet.

Back to Sturm's attack force. He surveys the area.

"A lot of green grass…this is good…" Then he realizes what he is saying and stops, shaking his head. He commands his troops, clad in black uniforms, to spread out and do a little recon. When they are gone, he starts munching on grass unconsciously. One of the soldiers, returning early, sees this strange sight. He thinks to himself, 'how does the grass get inside that mask?'

"Lord Sturm!" The robot-like CO jumps up.

"How dare you creep up on your Lord like that! METEOR STRIKE!!!" A meteor comes down and crushes the soldier. Sturm returns to munching his grass.


	2. Chapter 2 : Attack of the Cows

Nell looks at Kanbei. "So the cows are coming from Sturm's place? This could be bad. First he manipulates us against each other. Then he makes those neotanks and factories. Now he is sending cows against us." She shakes her head. "Why can't he just leave us alone?!" She breaks down crying. Grit walks over and pats her back.

"It'll be alright, princess." Everyone is silent as they watch Grit calm her down.

Back to Black Hole. The soldiers are reporting back to Sturm.

"So the big COs are at Orange Star. This provides us with an opportunity to strike!!! We now will have all the green grass to ourselves!!!" The soldiers look around at each other. They begin to doubt their leader.

"Maybe we should have stayed with Hawke," one mutters. Sturm hears the comment.

"METEOR STRIKE!!!" The soldier is crushed; a couple around him are also injured. "Do not insult me! I am perfectly sane." He dismisses them and removes his Vader-like mask…

Meanwhile, in Green Earth, Jess Drake Sensei and Colin are playing chess with their CO Powers (don't ask how four people are playing; they just are). Colin has just used the Power of Money to make his pawn destroy on of Jess' rooks.

"How did you do that? My CO power makes vehicular units more powerful!"

"Stupid, a rook isn't vehicular. " Sensei nods at Drake's knowledge of chess pieces. Right before a new line of pawns pops up on his side of the board. "Not fair! Tsunami!!" So they are having fun wasting time (and their CO Powers). Then the attack comes. An onrush of cows comes stampeding in, mooing with aggression.

"In all my years of battle, I've never seen that, "Sensei comments as the cows sweep the table away as they rush past.

"Shouldn't we do something about this?" Colin asks. They all watch in mute disbelief.

"Worms!" Sturm comes walking in. "How did you like my new CO Power? Dark Cow Rush? Hahahahahahaha…" Then he realizes no one is quite scared of him, just worried about the cows. "Soldiers, attack!" Black Hole soldiers appear, surrounding the COs.

"This could be a problem," Drake comments dryly.

Hawke, along with the rest of the Black Hole COs, is watching Sturm's progress. "I thought I destroyed him, "Hawke mutters. "Oh well. Let him weaken the COs so we can sweep in and take over Wars World once and for all!!"

"Can I play with my toy?" Lash asks. Hawke sighs.

"You can use the Green Earth soldiers once we take them over."  
"YAY!!! I get little guinea pigs for my new experiments! Tee hee!" Hawke just looks around in exasperation.

The remaining COs (Olaf, Haichi, and Sonja) are doing recon on the cows and Sturm.

"Now, we know he's here somewhere…" Sonja whispers.  
"Look at that fat cow!" Olaf points at a particularly large cow, seemingly leading the herd.

"Hmm… I wonder… "Sonja begins talking to herself. Olaf and Haichi look at each other with raised eyebrows.  
"Would you mind enlightening us?" Haichi asks. She shakes her head and continues muttering to herself.


	3. Chapter 3 : More Cows

Review: Jess, Drake, Sensei and Colin are surrounded by Sturm and his faithful soldiers. Grit is calming Nell down after her breakdown caused by Sturm's third attack. Hawke and the other COs are monitoring Sturm's progress. He plans to sweep in after Sturm weakens the COs and take over Wars World. And Sonja, Haichi, and Olaf are doing recon when they notice a cow that is slightly larger than the others.

Orange Star: Kanbei stands up. "I think we should go attack now! Eliminate those cows, make some burgers, and have a cookout!" Andy comes back in, wiping his wrench off.

"Cookout? PARTY!!!" Everyone stares him down. "Ok…maybe not." He looks around. "Well it looks like you guys aren't getting much done so I guess that I will have to do something. " He walks out. Everyone is still looking at him in silence.

"Junior's got a point, "Grit says. Andy pops back in, "STOP CALLING ME JUNIOR!!!"

Meanwhile, Sturm has mysteriously disappeared. Drake is looking at the cows and soldiers that surround them. "So….any ideas as to how we sail outta this one?"

"If you don't stop with your nautical phrases…"Jess mutters. Sensei nods again.

"I need a nap."

"How about this," Colin says. Everyone gets in a huddle and there is much whispering. The soldiers look on suspiciously. One cow ventures up and prods Sensei in the behind. "MOOOO!!!!" It says. Sensei looks offended.

"I do believe this cow just poked my bottom." He returns to the huddle.

Meanwhile, the recon team has come to a startling conclusion…

"Sturm is really a meat farmer from Texas!!!!" Sonja nods very solemnly. Olaf and Haichi look at each other then nod.

"It makes sense," the merchant CO says. "That could be where all these heifers came from." They watch the big cow amble around. It runs into another cow, and starts angrily mooing at it. The cow moos back. Suddenly, a meteor comes out of the sky and turns the second cow into ground beef.

"Will you look at that?" Olaf says. "A falling star."

"Wait a minute. Wasn't Sturm's CO Power something like that?" Sonja strokes her chin.

"Nah. He had some stupid power where he could control weather."  
"Uh, Olaf, that would be Storm. She's part of the X-men. That's Marvel. This is Nintendo."

"Oh." Wolverine pops in.

"Yeah bub. Stay in your own universe." The COs look at each other as he disappears.

Grit and Andy have arrived in Green Earth. They stand in a valley where Sturm's ship landed.

"Well, this looks like the valley where Sturm's ship landed," Grit says. Andy nods.

"I wonder if I can fix it." He starts slowly creeping over to the ship. Grit grabs him.

"Wait a minute, son. We need to do this cautiously. If we creep through the woods here, we'll go undetected." Andy looks at him crazily.

"This isn't Fog of War, and we aren't in combat." As soon as the words leave his mouth, a fog rolls in. "Just great." Then a soldier pops out the ship and begins firing at the two COs. "What in the!"

"I got this." Grit pulls out his pistol (which somehow can snipe even though they have short ranges) and sneaks off into the forest. Andy is left alone, the sole target of the soldier. Suddenly, a pop sounds off and the soldier drops, dead. Grit walks out from behind him, holding the pistol. "This ain't for show."  
"Hey! That looks like my cap gun from when I was ten!"

"Uh…I gotta go…" Grit creeps off into the woods and Andy loses sight of him.

The rest of the COs are still at Orange Star, preparing for the cookout.

"Ok," Nell says. "Now let's go get some beef."


End file.
